


haircut

by dodgefred



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamorous relationship, Trans Character, Trans character written by trans author, Trans davey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-23 04:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20236756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dodgefred/pseuds/dodgefred
Summary: before she could think about what she was doing, she began to snip away at her tresses. long, dark locks came tumbling down into the sink below her. she didn’t look up until she could feel that there was nothing left to cut.





	haircut

**Author's Note:**

> this work was originally written in november of 2017- two years ago. i wanted to post it so it wasn’t sitting in my google drive doing nothing, and as an unedited relic of how i wrote back then. i’m really proud of my descriptions but i think the pacing is a little off. it’s technically unfinished, i think, but i also think it wraps up in a nice place so i’m not marking it as such. i hope you enjoy.
> 
> potential trigger warnings for descriptions of gender dysphoria and general trans things.

The nighttime atmosphere was calm except for the feeling of an oncoming storm over the New York City streets- wind nipping at windows and shaking the hand of the occasional tree, the usual blaring noise of car horns, and the constant feeling of the entire town holding its breath. It was as if the universe had been planning something to occur that night. The citizens could feel it- at least, one did. Holding to her partners in their bed, someone’s mind turned.

Her heart beat uncomfortably against her chest. She tried her best not to shudder and shake, for her girlfriend’s arm was strewn gently across her waist. She didn’t want to wake either of her partners or burden them with her thoughts. These thoughts came often, but they were usually milder, passing thoughts.

They were thoughts she couldn’t put into words, but if she was able to, she didn’t know if she would be able to handle them. Her whole life, she had felt a disconnect from her body. It was still her body, it was attractive, she was attractive. She was lucky and didn’t have the right to feel bad about herself, she always said. Even so, the human mind was a terrifying place.

The apartment’s silence was getting on her nerves. She slipped from under Katherine’s arms and exited the bedroom, clutching her arms to her chest as if that would stop her constant internal troubles. For years, she had researched her symptoms out of habit and had only found countless articles on gender dysphoria, a strange and murky yet all too familiar concept, Each time, she would close the page and ignore it. She was nineteen years old. If the articles were telling the truth, wouldn’t she have known by now? It wasn’t possible, though the mere idea of being thought of as a man sent a feeling of excitement to her stomach.

Her pacing had lead her to the apartment’s small bathroom. She winced as the soles of her feet touched the icy tile floor. She made a mental note that the trio should invest in a bathroom rug, as she reached into the medicine cabinet above the sink. As expected, her hand grazed across a pair of scissors, and she took them into her dominant hand.

Before she could think about what she was doing, she began to snip away at her tresses. Long, dark locks came tumbling down into the sink below her. She didn’t look up until she could feel that there was nothing left to cut. Even then, she could hardly see herself in the mirror through watery eyes. She dropped the scissors to the ground and winced at the noise they made, the harsh clang of metal on tile. She sunk to the floor behind them, the only difference being she was much slower and the only noise she made when she hit the ground was a choked out sob. She closed her eyes and let her head touch her knees, and she tried not to cry to hard in fear of burdening the two people she loved most.

At the thought of them, a light hand touched her shoulder and she jumped in surprise at the contact. When she looked up, the light had been turned on and Katherine was sat beside her.

“Just breathe with me,” Katherine ordered quietly. “Focus on taking deep breaths.”

She couldn’t focus on breathing, though. Her thoughts attacked her body, one by one until she was limp and crying into Katherine’s shoulder, while her girlfriend stroked her back.

“I’m not a girl!” She demanded through her quiet sobs. “I’m not. I’m not!” At this realization, she only wept harder.

“Okay,” was all Katherine said, her tone abnormally soft.

She tensed, worrying she had confused or hurt Katherine. Maybe Katherine wouldn’t love her anymore, maybe- The entrance of Jack interrupted her thoughts. When Jack knelt beside the pair, she flinched, worried that she would hurt him, too.

“What’s goin’ on here?” Jack asked, his brows furrowed together with worry.

“He’s not feeling too well,” said Katherine. “Or they,” she added quietly. “I don’t know what you meant by…” She trailed off and lifted the chin of her partner so they could look into one other’s eyes.

“He,” came a meek response. “He is good.”

It felt good when Katherine used it, and it felt infinitely better when he asserted himself with those pronouns.

“Okay…” Jack mumbled, seemingly lost in thought. “He okay?” He asked, almost nervous to sit closer. He looked as if he didn’t want to set off anything else. His boyfriend replied to his worry with a nod, and wiped at his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said softly, to which Jack responded with a kiss on the temple. He was never great with affection or when to use it, but in that moment, it seemed appropriate.

As much as he wanted to go to bed and forget about the whole ordeal, his partners insisted they sit on the sofa and talk because they didn’t do that enough.

“But it’s late, and you have work tomorrow.”

“Exactly, we have work tomorrow and this seems too important to talk about on Saturday,” rebutted Katherine.

“And we care about you, y’know? We’re worried,” said Jack. “We don’t wanna have another episode soon,” he continued, but was interrupted by Katherine who finished his thought with “So it’s better to talk now than procrastinate it until it happens again but worse.”

“Okay,” he caved. It wasn’t like he could argue against his lovers, because Jack was sprawled across his legs and Katherine keeping him trapped in a hug. “How do I even start?”

“When did- When did you start feeling like this?” Katherine asked. She had started out using her reporter voice before pausing and restarting her question. He was a person, not a news story, she reminded herself.

“I don’t know,” he responded. “I guess I just… I guess the feeling was there, I just didn’t realize…” He trailed off, unable to formulate words. He wished he was like Katherine and could think of words to perfectly match any situation. Instead, he was easily tongue-tied and while he could write decent essays, it was difficult for him to explain how he felt a majority of the time.

At last, after a few moments of silence, he repeated, more sure of himself this time, “I don’t know. But I know I’m not a girl. And I think I would rather be known as a guy.” Hence the hair, he thought. In the moment, he hadn’t known why he wanted to cut off his hair. He thought it had to do with control. Apparently not.

“So whaddya wanna be called?” Jack asked. “Is your birth name or whatever alright or are you like...choosing another?” He sounded genuinely curious, and tilted his head back to look up at his boyfriend, who simply shrugged.

“I don’t know. I don’t like it very much- never have, but I don’t know what I’d even change it to.” He hummed softly to fill the silence. “What do I look like?”

“Ben,” Katherine said immediately, and Jack made a fake gagging sound.

“That ain’t cute, Kathy, it sounds like the name of an uncle.”

“Hey, that’s my uncle’s name!” Katherine exclaimed, looking very offended until she realized what she had said, then crossed her arms in defiance. Below her, her boyfriends laughed.

“Fine, fine,” Jack replied. “What about…” He groaned and rubbed his eyes- he needed sleep. “David,” he said, the first name that popped into his head. “That’s a name, right?”

“Yes, it is,” replied Katherine, excitement filling her voice. “And you,” she said to the boy in front of her. “You look like a David!”

He simply smiled and laughed under his breath. “We’ll see if it sticks. But I like it.”


End file.
